This is a sponsored post written by me on behalf of e.p.t.. All opinions are 100% mine.
Hey friends. I have a personal blog to share with you all today. So if you’re just kicking around for my home decor & DIY and can’t deal with all the feels, opt out of this blog for today.
I’ve teamed up with EPT Family to share some personal details on our loss and where we are at in our fertility journey.
We found out last July that we were pregnant with our 4th child. This was a big surprise to us. We had been trying for a baby, but then put a stop on our plans as we had gone through a bumpy year with our business and wanted to be in a better place before bringing a new perfect little life into our already crazy family.
I will be completely honest with you, the day I found out, I cried. Not because I didn’t long for a 4th little life to come into our home, but because when pregnant I like to devote all my energy into that pregnancy, planning for that baby.. I like to treasure every single pregnancy and make it special. Each baby and pregnancy is so unique & I love to spoil each child. Seeing as financially we weren’t doing well and we were in the process of closing our company down, I was saddened that I couldn’t “spoil” this new little life as much as the others. This might sound so vain, but I didn’t like the thought of bringing a baby into stress.
The entire 17 weeks I was pregnant I was extremely sick. So sick that I could barely get out of bed most days. It felt like a bad flu 24/7. But I was holding onto that fact that maybe around 16 weeks I would start to feel better.
Around 15 weeks, I did start to gain a bit of energy back, but still was sick.
Around my 16.5 weeks I had a routine checkup with my Midwife and we spent the entire appointment trying to find the heartbeat. She assured me that it was probably nothing, but deep down I knew.
She booked me in for a immediate ultrasound later that day to find out if my baby was indeed, no longer.
I went into that appointment, shaking like a leaf. I could barely breath as their was a giant lump in my throat and I felt like throwing up as I was so nauseous. The Tech just stared at the screen. He wouldn’t answer me. He wouldn’t look at me.
“Does everything look okay?”
“Can you at least tell me if there is a heart beat?”
Towards the end of the ultrasound which felt like an hour I finally asked if my husband and kids could come into the room to see the baby and his response?
“No. Please wipe off your belly.”
With that he left the room. It was one of the most unbelievably awful experiences I’ve ever had. I understand he couldn’t tell me anything, but his lack of empathy left my heart empty as I then knew.
Later that day my midwife called to let Glen know that what we feared had come true, our dear little boy was no longer breathing. Instantly, I broke down into tears. It’s like those final words tore a deep rip in my heart. I couldn’t breath, I couldn’t catch my breath from the tears flowing down my cheeks. It hurt so much. The pain of knowing that a baby that I didn’t really want the day I found out, but that I had grew to love and cherish and plan for, was no longer cozy inside me. I had failed this baby. I had somehow done something wrong. I had failed my other kids and my husband as they were all so excited for this new life.
Beside me Glen was also shaking with tears flowing down his cheeks. Instantly I knew that this little baby had an impact on Glens heart too, it wasn’t just affecting me, but Glen too.
Later that day I called my mom to let her know that we had lost the baby and she also broke into tears. This little baby had such an impact on so many people already. He was already so deeply loved.
I won’t go into details on the delivery and birth of our little Nolan as I’ve already written a few blogs on that. This blog is about our journey, our journey to prepare our hearts for another little one.
Two months after we lost our Nolan, I wanted another baby. I started testing with my EPT Tests, and each month, I still received only negative tests. It wasn’t until late December that I realized that I was in no way ready for another baby. My heart still hurt so deeply and physically my body wasn’t ready.
Deep down, I need to allow us more time. April 17th will be our due date, and I plan to let that day go and come and once it does, we can focus on another life.
But for now, I think it is important to focus on our three kids we have & our own hearts.
I won’t lie, it has been hard the last five months. Some days I feel like I was unaffected and some days I feel like I was torn in two and can’t function in society. I think our little boy will always have an impact on our hearts.
As for our fertility journey, we will wait for Gods perfect timing. He knows best & we’re excited to see what the future has to offer.
For those of you trying to get pregnant, head on over to Amazon or Walmart to purchase these very affective pregnancy tests from EPT
Thanks for stopping by the blog today & hearing my deep down thoughts on life in the last five months.