miscarriage

Loss & Our Fertility Journey

March 26, 2017 1 Comment

This is a sponsored post written by me on behalf of e.p.t.. All opinions are 100% mine.

Hey friends. I have a personal blog to share with you all today. So if you’re just kicking around for my home decor & DIY and can’t deal with all the feels, opt out of this blog for today.

I’ve teamed up with EPT Family to share some personal details on our loss and where we are at in our fertility journey.

We found out last July that we were pregnant with our 4th child. This was a big surprise to us. We had been trying for a baby, but then put a stop on our plans as we had gone through a bumpy year with our business and wanted to be in a better place before bringing a new perfect little life into our already crazy family.

I will be completely honest with you, the day I found out, I cried. Not because I didn’t long for a 4th little life to come into our home, but because when pregnant I like to devote all my energy into that pregnancy, planning for that baby.. I like to treasure every single pregnancy and make it special. Each baby and pregnancy is so unique & I love to spoil each child. Seeing as financially we weren’t doing well and we were in the process of closing our company down, I was saddened that I couldn’t “spoil” this new little life as much as the others. This might sound so vain, but I didn’t like the thought of bringing a baby into stress.

The entire 17 weeks I was pregnant I was extremely sick. So sick that I could barely get out of bed most days. It felt like a bad flu 24/7. But I was holding onto that fact that maybe around 16 weeks I would start to feel better.

Around 15 weeks, I did start to gain a bit of energy back, but still was sick.

Around my 16.5 weeks I had a routine checkup with my Midwife and we spent the entire appointment trying to find the heartbeat. She assured me that it was probably nothing, but deep down I knew.

She booked me in for a immediate ultrasound later that day to find out if my baby was indeed, no longer.

I went into that appointment, shaking like a leaf. I could barely breath as their was a giant lump in my throat and I felt like throwing up as I was so nauseous. The Tech just stared at the screen. He wouldn’t answer me. He wouldn’t look at me.

“Does everything look okay?”

No Answer

“Can you at least tell me if there is a heart beat?”

No Answer

Towards the end of the ultrasound which felt like an hour I finally asked if my husband and kids could come into the room to see the baby and his response?

“No. Please wipe off your belly.”

With that he left the room. It was one of the most unbelievably awful experiences I’ve ever had. I understand he couldn’t tell me anything, but his lack of empathy left my heart empty as I then knew.

Later that day my midwife called to let Glen know that what we feared had come true, our dear little boy was no longer breathing. Instantly, I broke down into tears. It’s like those final words tore a deep rip in my heart. I couldn’t breath, I couldn’t catch my breath from the tears flowing down my cheeks. It hurt so much. The pain of knowing that a baby that I didn’t really want the day I found out, but that I had grew to love and cherish and plan for, was no longer cozy inside me. I had failed this baby. I had somehow done something wrong. I had failed my other kids and my husband as they were all so excited for this new life.

Beside me Glen was also shaking with tears flowing down his cheeks. Instantly I knew that this little baby had an impact on Glens heart too, it wasn’t just affecting me, but Glen too.

Later that day I called my mom to let her know that we had lost the baby and she also broke into tears. This little baby had such an impact on so many people already. He was already so deeply loved.

I won’t go into details on the delivery and birth of our little Nolan as I’ve already written a few blogs on that. This blog is about our journey, our journey to prepare our hearts for another little one.

Two months after we lost our Nolan, I wanted another baby. I started testing with my EPT Tests, and each month, I still received only negative tests. It wasn’t until late December that I realized that I was in no way ready for another baby. My heart still hurt so deeply and physically my body wasn’t ready.

Deep down, I need to allow us more time. April 17th will be our due date, and I plan to let that day go and come and once it does, we can focus on another life.

But for now, I think it is important to focus on our three kids we have & our own hearts.

I won’t lie, it has been hard the last five months. Some days I feel like I was unaffected and some days I feel like I was torn in two and can’t function in society. I think our little boy will always have an impact on our hearts.

As for our fertility journey, we will wait for Gods perfect timing. He knows best & we’re excited to see what the future has to offer.

For those of you trying to get pregnant, head on over to Amazon or Walmart to purchase these very affective pregnancy tests from EPT

Thanks for stopping by the blog today & hearing my deep down thoughts on life in the last five months.

When The Pain Creeps In [ Reflection ]

December 28, 2016 5 Comments

I thought I would write down some of my thoughts, to better help myself grieve. This blog is a personal one and if you don’t like personal, I have so many posts that are about DIY’s or home decor, so head on over and browse through those. This one isn’t going to be happy, but it’s real and I feel I need to be myself with you guys, I need to be real. That’s how I understand my thoughts is by writing them down. I’ve never been one to reflect and to make sense of pain. I like to block it out and move on. Sadly that little tactic has come back to bite me in the butt on more than one occasion, so as soon as we lost our little 17 week old baby, Nolan, we decided we would thoroughly grieve his loss as Glen refused to let me be in pain down the road. We heard that if you don’t properly grieve a baby then the pain would come back even deeper down the road. As soon as we lost him, I allowed myself to properly grieve. If you know me, you know I don’t cry. Ever. I try to, but I can’t. Maybe it’s because I’ve been through some painful things in my life and my heart is more tough. Who knows. What I know is that I don’t allow myself normally to feel pain. Well let me tell you, I cried a lot before & after Nolan’s passing.

Three days before we lost our baby boy, we also moved our business and home, which was beyond exhausting. My body was very very sick my entire pregnancy and on top of the sickness, I had negative energy. I described how I felt to people like having a bad flu. Constantly. I could barely lift my limbs most days. So having to pack, clean, paint and move was brutal. When I finally found out that we lost our baby, I was surprised only because I didn’t think a late miscarriage would ever happen to me. But I wasn’t that surprised as I was so sick.

The month of November was a month to grieve. As soon as December hit I felt new again. I felt ready to conquer the busy season and be happy. Christmas is my favourite time of year and I’ve been known to go overboard. I was doing great, and only had the rare occasional sad moment, but then December 10th hit and I woke up knowing something was off. I am a huge night owl, and NOT a morning person. But on this day, I woke up at 6 AM sharp. I got out of bed and I still remember Glen saying “Wow, what are you doing up?”

Shortly after I got a call saying that my dear Nana was unconscious and not doing well. She would be passing that day. This was the day that we had a massive snow storm here on the Island, but I didn’t care. This was my first time driving in snow ever, and I didn’t think a second more about it. I jumped in our mini van and made the drive to the hospital. Of course, I got stuck in the snow and a kind man pushed me out and guided me to get up the hill. I finally made it and got to kiss my nana three times. We ended up bringing the kids and Glen over around 2:30 to say goodbye and give her kisses too and at 3:15 PM, she passed away.

I got a call while I was making cookies that she passed away and my body just went numb and went into disbelief. When you grow up with someone for 28 years and they seem healthy, you don’t think they will ever pass. Most elderly that pass show signs. Dementia, sickness of some sort.. but my Nana was totally healthy, totally with it. She was even out shopping days before. I loved my Nana so so dearly and it still hurts to think that I will never get to kiss her warm cheeks or hear her darling laugh. She constantly said how she was going to “meet a man about a dog” it made us all laugh every time. Nana wasn’t afraid to hide the fact that she was gassy.. she was one of a kind. A woman I will aspire to be like. She showed every single person in her life how much she loved them. She loved Jesus and the last few years she constantly said how she wanted to go to heaven.

Maybe it’s because my heart is worn down from our move and loosing Nolan and now loosing my dear Nana. But it hurts. The holidays just weren’t great for me. I’ve already taken down all my decorations and I already want 2017 to come.

Today I decided to write this blog to reflect and feel. I normally just push my pain away, because, who wants to feel pain. Today I wanted to feel and allow myself to be sad and the best place to do that for me is on my blog. Where I can see and re-read my thoughts.

I was busy with Glens side of the family yesterday but my mom was going through some of my Nana’s possessions and grabbed me a pair of PJ’s & a sweater. I will also be going over to grab a few kitchen items so I can constantly see her in my home. Many truly don’t understand how precious our Nana was to us.

I just have to say also that I’m so beyond thankful to every single one of you for your support. I’ve received so many emails and comments on my “sad” posts. I don’t write for attention, but to make sense of my pain.. and you guys are kind of just get to read what I write. So thank you for being so supportive and loving.

I do have to say though that everything happens for a reason. Some hate that phrase, but I truly live by it. When we can’t make sense of something, I always remember that God has a plan. He has a precious baby waiting to join our family someday that isn’t yet made, or needs to be adopted ( who knows ). I also know that I will get to squeeze me Nana in heaven again someday. If you are going through pain these holidays, I’m so sorry. But remember, you aren’t alone. As silly as that sounds, know that others are holding your hand. You can get through this and be happy again.

Something that has gotten me through the darker days is praying for peace & my oils. Oils I love are [ Bergamot, Clary Sage & Clarity ]. Laugh all you want, but I use my oils daily and they have seriously helped me with so many things in the last 8 months.

Anyways, I’m over to go visit my grandma today, but know that I’m rooting for you if you are in pain. I’m rooting for you regardless, but especially if you’re in pain.

A Positive Outlook On Our Loss.

December 3, 2016 2 Comments

It’s now been exactly one month since the passing of our baby boy. If you don’t know the full story, head on over here & here to take a quick read and maybe have some tissues handy.

I’ve been extremely open in our journey of loss. That’s just who I am. I didn’t do it to get comments, likes or sympathy. I did it because I am open about everything. It’s who I am. I couldn’t keep it a secret. I knew when we found out that I couldn’t go through it alone.

When we found out we let it sink in for a day and then the next day we told family and friends.

Guys, I’m telling you, even if you aren’t an open person that you need to be open. As soon as I posted our update on facebook, love, support & peace came FLOODING in. Looking back we had the best experience in our circumstance that we could of. The day we came home from the hospital we had our fridge packed with meals from friends and family. We had people drop off cards throughout that week. People drop off hugs and love.. we took the entire week off to just grieve and spoil ourselves with whatever we wanted. My amazing husband bought my a Christmas Starbucks Latte every single morning. I mean, what a guy.

I had people ask me how they didn’t understand how I could possibly be as calm as I was and there is only one explanation for that; Jesus. If you don’t believe in Jesus, I’m so dearly sorry that you do not have him in your life because the peace that flooded into my heart and mind were beyond anything I’ve ever felt.

That’s not to say that we weren’t sad still, but it’s like the deep dark empty hole was somewhat filled with Jesus and his peace. I truly and honestly believe that this happened so I could experience that peace.

That might sound upsetting and ignorant to you. I’m sorry if you have gone through something similar. I’m sorry if you are still hurting. I’m sorry that you can’t make sense of it. But I can honestly tell you that his peace flooded into my heart and it enriched my faith, my husband & I’s marriage and how I treat people and things around me.

What happened to Nolan?

We really wanted to have an open casket funeral for him and them bury in my parents back yard, but it didn’t work out like that. By the time we got him back from the labs, I think about 2.5 weeks went by and so he was shrivelled up and very grey. The funeral home urged us to cremate him, so we did.

We finally got his ashes back 3 days ago and we plan to have a small service for him. The day hasn’t been decided yet, but it will most likely be in 1-2 weeks.

How has your body reacted?

* Skip this part if you are a man or you don’t care to find out the yucky details. *

I bled extremely heavy for about 10 days and then very lightly for another 9. I’ve noticed that my hormones have been all over the place. They’re getting better lately, but the first three weeks were brutal. My uterus has, for the most part, gone down. I no longer look pregnant. My milk never came in, which I’m so grateful for.

What was your experience in the hospital like?

I went into the hospital at 8:30 AM and I met with my midwife, doctor and the nurses. We agreed that at 9 I would get my first dose ( two pills ) of the medication that would dilate me which they inserted vaginally. I didn’t feel much all morning and then around 11:30 I started to get painful contractions. Around 2:30 I finally asked for a pain killer. They inserted 10 mg of Morphin into my thigh and within about 20 minutes my mind became at ease. As for the pain, I still felt it as much as before but Morphin really makes your mind not care. It puts you in a state of submission and peace. At least, that was my experience. They then gave me more dilation pills around 3. I decided to take a little nap and around 5 I woke up and asked if someone could bring me food as I hadn’t eaten since the night before. My dad came in with a meal around 5:20 and I felt like I really had to pee and I felt pressure and then a big gush of water ( my water broke ). I still felt like I had to pee so i went to the bathroom, but then I felt like our baby was already in my vaginal canal, so I went and got back in bed.

Within five minutes, I peacefully pushed our little boy out. He was still inside his amniotic sack and my placenta came out too. I’m one of the lucky ones that didn’t have to go in for a D&C after. Inside his sack, he was in the fetal position and was the size of a large avocado.

After pushing him out, they broke the sack and let us spend some time with Nolan before they took him away to prepare him to be shipped to Vancouver for testing. These moments were so precious to us and I’m so thankful that I had these moments to say goodbye.

They took hand/foot prints of our baby and our good friend, Ricci was at the hospital all along and was shooting photos of Nolan and the entire process which we will forever be grateful for.

Will you get pregnant again?

Yes, we will. Nolan was our mistake baby and he wasn’t planned at all. I had the worst pregnancy imaginable probably since it wasn’t viable from the start. But after loosing him it made us realize that our family isn’t complete at five. We have a special spot in our hearts for Nolan and we are excited to someday welcome a 4th baby into our family. After all, life isn’t about money, it’s truly about who you share it with.

Sitting here now I’m really grateful for the experience we had. It was beyond painful and our hearts ached for so long and still ache from time to time. But I feel like it enriched our marriage, our love for our kids and our outlook on life.

Yes, getting pregnant someday will be extremely hard and I will probably fear throughout the entire pregnancy as you never know what the future holds. But if there is anything I can tell you, it is to hold you loved ones dear. Do not take for granted what you have. Since I had three very healthy pregnancies before our late miscarriage, I simply took for granted of how precious life is. I never thought I would be one of the victims to lose a baby so far along. I never thought that I would have to deal with that kind of pain.

If you know someone going through this, do not let them suffer in peace. Do not give them space. Send them a message, drop a card off, give them a meal, give them a hug. Even send them a verse.. but never let someone suffer alone. Being alone in your pain is one of the worst feelings that anyone can ever experience and most times, people spiral into a deeper depression. This is why I think I am able to heal and smile. I was so open with so many people and really allowed myself to grieve and cry.

Miscarriage shouldn’t be taboo. Don’t let it be.

If you’re going through this right now. Please know that I love you, I’m rooting for you. Please know that there is happiness around the corner for you. You will learn to live again. Allow yourself to grieve and be sad and give yourself grace.

miscarriage

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