I thought I would write down some of my thoughts, to better help myself grieve. This blog is a personal one and if you don’t like personal, I have so many posts that are about DIY’s or home decor, so head on over and browse through those. This one isn’t going to be happy, but it’s real and I feel I need to be myself with you guys, I need to be real. That’s how I understand my thoughts is by writing them down. I’ve never been one to reflect and to make sense of pain. I like to block it out and move on. Sadly that little tactic has come back to bite me in the butt on more than one occasion, so as soon as we lost our little 17 week old baby, Nolan, we decided we would thoroughly grieve his loss as Glen refused to let me be in pain down the road. We heard that if you don’t properly grieve a baby then the pain would come back even deeper down the road. As soon as we lost him, I allowed myself to properly grieve. If you know me, you know I don’t cry. Ever. I try to, but I can’t. Maybe it’s because I’ve been through some painful things in my life and my heart is more tough. Who knows. What I know is that I don’t allow myself normally to feel pain. Well let me tell you, I cried a lot before & after Nolan’s passing.
Three days before we lost our baby boy, we also moved our business and home, which was beyond exhausting. My body was very very sick my entire pregnancy and on top of the sickness, I had negative energy. I described how I felt to people like having a bad flu. Constantly. I could barely lift my limbs most days. So having to pack, clean, paint and move was brutal. When I finally found out that we lost our baby, I was surprised only because I didn’t think a late miscarriage would ever happen to me. But I wasn’t that surprised as I was so sick.
The month of November was a month to grieve. As soon as December hit I felt new again. I felt ready to conquer the busy season and be happy. Christmas is my favourite time of year and I’ve been known to go overboard. I was doing great, and only had the rare occasional sad moment, but then December 10th hit and I woke up knowing something was off. I am a huge night owl, and NOT a morning person. But on this day, I woke up at 6 AM sharp. I got out of bed and I still remember Glen saying “Wow, what are you doing up?”
Shortly after I got a call saying that my dear Nana was unconscious and not doing well. She would be passing that day. This was the day that we had a massive snow storm here on the Island, but I didn’t care. This was my first time driving in snow ever, and I didn’t think a second more about it. I jumped in our mini van and made the drive to the hospital. Of course, I got stuck in the snow and a kind man pushed me out and guided me to get up the hill. I finally made it and got to kiss my nana three times. We ended up bringing the kids and Glen over around 2:30 to say goodbye and give her kisses too and at 3:15 PM, she passed away.
I got a call while I was making cookies that she passed away and my body just went numb and went into disbelief. When you grow up with someone for 28 years and they seem healthy, you don’t think they will ever pass. Most elderly that pass show signs. Dementia, sickness of some sort.. but my Nana was totally healthy, totally with it. She was even out shopping days before. I loved my Nana so so dearly and it still hurts to think that I will never get to kiss her warm cheeks or hear her darling laugh. She constantly said how she was going to “meet a man about a dog” it made us all laugh every time. Nana wasn’t afraid to hide the fact that she was gassy.. she was one of a kind. A woman I will aspire to be like. She showed every single person in her life how much she loved them. She loved Jesus and the last few years she constantly said how she wanted to go to heaven.
Maybe it’s because my heart is worn down from our move and loosing Nolan and now loosing my dear Nana. But it hurts. The holidays just weren’t great for me. I’ve already taken down all my decorations and I already want 2017 to come.
Today I decided to write this blog to reflect and feel. I normally just push my pain away, because, who wants to feel pain. Today I wanted to feel and allow myself to be sad and the best place to do that for me is on my blog. Where I can see and re-read my thoughts.
I was busy with Glens side of the family yesterday but my mom was going through some of my Nana’s possessions and grabbed me a pair of PJ’s & a sweater. I will also be going over to grab a few kitchen items so I can constantly see her in my home. Many truly don’t understand how precious our Nana was to us.
I just have to say also that I’m so beyond thankful to every single one of you for your support. I’ve received so many emails and comments on my “sad” posts. I don’t write for attention, but to make sense of my pain.. and you guys are kind of just get to read what I write. So thank you for being so supportive and loving.
I do have to say though that everything happens for a reason. Some hate that phrase, but I truly live by it. When we can’t make sense of something, I always remember that God has a plan. He has a precious baby waiting to join our family someday that isn’t yet made, or needs to be adopted ( who knows ). I also know that I will get to squeeze me Nana in heaven again someday. If you are going through pain these holidays, I’m so sorry. But remember, you aren’t alone. As silly as that sounds, know that others are holding your hand. You can get through this and be happy again.
Something that has gotten me through the darker days is praying for peace & my oils. Oils I love are [ Bergamot, Clary Sage & Clarity ]. Laugh all you want, but I use my oils daily and they have seriously helped me with so many things in the last 8 months.
Anyways, I’m over to go visit my grandma today, but know that I’m rooting for you if you are in pain. I’m rooting for you regardless, but especially if you’re in pain.