It’s been ten years. I haven’t opened up about this to anyone. But today is the day to do so. See, my thinking is, if it can help one person, why not? So here it goes… get ready for heavy.
It was like any other day.
He dropped me off at my parents while he ran to his moms for thirty minutes to grab something.
That thirty minutes ticked on by with no word from him. Then two hours, then four. I sat at the window waiting for our car to pull up for six hours. Finally at two in the morning I decided to lay on the couch as I was tired.
I woke up at 8:30 AM still at my parents. At that moment I knew something was wrong.
Did he get in a car crash? Was he too drunk or high to call me? What happened?
I called his mom shortly after I got up to hear a muffled “Yes, he was here and he is gone”
At that moment I knew something was wrong. I could hear the muffled sound in her voice like she had been crying. Her voice was shaky yet stern.
In the next room my brothers and sister and parents were getting ready for church. But I told them what was happening and they canceled all plans to drive me to Campbell River so I could let me two dogs out who had been inside all night.
The entire drive there I was nervous but angry. How could he just not tell me where he was going? How could he do this to our dogs?
Once we got to my house my parents came into the house with me.
I found it on the kitchen table, the note.
It read this; “I’m so sorry, I can’t anymore. You were a good wife”
Still to this day those words tear my heart in two. Not because of him. But because of how worthless and empty it made me feel. I truly believed that I was garbage and not good enough for him to stick around. Like my self worth walked out the door with him.
As soon as I read the note I fell to the floor and my dad caught my fall. I fell into his arms and sobbed and sobbed without coming up for air. I felt like my eternity had come crashing down. Like my existence was over. How could I continue without Josh. How could I go on?
Among the possessions he took; my computer, my car, my dog and basically anything of value, he took my heart. Something that I couldn’t get back for years. Even to this day I truly do not understand my worth. I still think Glen will leave me in the night. I still think my friends are only friends with me because they want something. I still think that I’m not worthy of anything good in life.
But slowly over time, Jesus has and is smashing through those lies.
“For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well”. – Psalm 139:13-14
I spent years trying to dissect why he left. I spent years trying to fix the areas that I went wrong in. I spent years trying to forget and pretend like it never happened.
But it did.
For years I didn’t want to talk about it because I’m a Christian and I believed the lie that I was no longer good enough for Gods love. That I wasn’t worthy enough for anyone or Gods love. I believed I had failed myself my parents and my husband. I spent years terrified of judgement. He spewed lies around about me and still to this day I haven’t spoken badly against him. Because I was so embarrassed. Embarrassed that my marriage had failed.
I was left in the cold of the night when I was twenty years old. The ultimate act of: You’re worthless to me and I don’t need you.
Friends, if this is you, If this was you, I know how you feel. I know the hurts. I know that you’re doubting your self-worth. I know the pain. Although it might not be physical, it is worse. Some days you will want to end your life because your heart hurts so much. You will try to numb your pain in any way you can; shopping, drinking and other relationships.
But let me tell you this: Your self-worth does NOT depend on who holds your heart. You deserve to be loved by someone worthy of your love. You’re a ruby in the rough and deserve the finest.
If you’re in the trenches of pain right now, know that I cannot take your pain away, but Jesus can. I plead with you to rest in his arms.
If I could go back in time and talk to my twenty year old self I would tell her that everything would be okay. That I could move on. That life would be better.
Now looking back that was the hardest but best thing that ever happened to me. Because it led me to so much self growth and it led me to Glen, the man who bends over backwards for me. There isn’t a day that goes by that he doesn’t tell me “I love you”. He’s had to fight hard to win me. He was the one who picked up the broken pieces and slowly put them back together. He didn’t deserve to have to deal with this mess. He didn’t deserve the backlash. But somehow, he stuck around and that in itself is the greatest act of love.
So to my love; I love you, I love you, I love you forever.