Hey guys. I feel like it’s been forever since I jumped on with a personal blog post. But, I just find myself really falling apart at the seams lately. I know a lot of moms who use the term “Hot Mess Express” and this couldn’t ring truer for me. I mean, this term should of been coined for me.
I don’t know how other mamas do it with four kids. I feel like some days I’m winning, but most days I’m just trying to get by.
I’m the mom who shows up to appointments either right on the dot, or a minute or two late. Always sweating and out of breath because lugging around 4 kiddos is more exercise than going to the gym. I always have breast stains on my shirts because I never remember to wear my breast pads. My kids seem to always.be.hungry and my hair normally is in a mom bun because, who has time to brush their hair? I feel like I’m always making excuses for my kids. Oh, she’s overtired, he is hungry, he is introverted… and the list goes on. I’m terrified of someone judging me when all I really want is someone to give me a pat on the back and tell me I’m doing an okay job because raising FOUR kids is a DANG HARD JOB.
A few weeks back I had a pretty horrible thing happen and once I’m over the anger, I’ll probably blog about it. But for now, lets just call it “the thing that increased my anxiety by 1000% percent”. Anyways, this situation has given me such intense anxiety. So intense that I’m afraid to let my kids outside. I’m constantly checking the locks on the doors and making sure I know where my kids are at at all times. Mainly my three year old. Then there’s the part where I lay in bed at night and imagine her drowning in our pool, or getting hit by a car and the list goes on. I know. You might think I’m going crazy and that these are horrible thoughts. But that is what anxiety does to you. Sometimes it eats you up. I miss the old Jess that was relaxed. I mean, I guess I’ve never been super relaxed. But I at least let my kids have a bit of freedom. Now I’m constantly afraid of what people might think of me. What will happen to my kids and would could happen. I hate this and I hate that I’m experiencing this. I wish I could go back in time and not do what I did to get me into this mess. I’ve had literally hundreds of moms message me and tell me that what I did wasn’t wrong. And maybe that’s true. But living with this anxiety isn’t fun and I wish I could go back in time, to that friday and not do what I did.
On top of already dealing with a lot ( Hello, three kids and a colicky baby ), I’m now dealing with my anxiety.
Not quite sure why I felt the need to jump on tonight and blog about this. Because honestly, this isn’t adding any value into your day. I just wanted to put this out there because if you can relate, I’m here to talk. I know the anxiety wont always be this bad and my three year old wont always get into everything and be able to escape in the split of a second. But right now that’s how it is. It’s my life and I feel like I’m constantly stressed out and wondering what could go wrong. I feel like so many people are so judgemental and not understanding and that experience a few fridays ago really highlighted that.
I just miss being carefree. I miss the village that we’re supposed to have. I miss living in a time where your kids could be kids and they could explore and have freedom. We’re now living in the age of fear. Us moms are terrified to be moms because everything from A to Z is wrong. When one mom thinks breastfeeding is the only way to go, there is another person who thinks it’s disgusting and wrong. Basically we can’t do anything right these days.
Okay, so I’m now getting too deep into it now. But can you catch my drift?
So tonight if you’re feeling this way, like motherhood has kicked your butt, like you’re beyond stressed out and exhausted, know that I’ve got your back and I feel the exact same way as you.
We can do this thing. Together.
Thanks for sharing. I relate.
Zoe says
Being a mom is hard work! I have anxiety too and it’s the worst and creeps in just when you think you can’t take anymore! I just try and take it one day at a time girl ! Find your village and ask for help/vent! You got this!
Jess: No one has the right to judge you. Do not care what others think because you are not on earth to please them. I too remember simpler times and miss them as well. I love your blogs and got your back from afar but more importantly God has your back. You will be fine. Just keep telling that nasty anxiety to get the hell out - I go through it as well. Blessings - Deb
You are not alone. After what happen in Parkland, FL on last February I feel exactly the same. I am supposed to be so happy because my kids are going back to school, but instead I’m really sick, just sleeping for a couple hours and waking up with the images on this tragedy. Time is a healer but for sure I won’t ever be the same person again. Just remember you are not alone. Kiss the kids for me please and a huge hug for you.
Mama Valley says
Jess - my kids are in their twenties now but I can so relate. My oldest son told me today that when he tells people about growing up he says “my mom was wonder woman” and I have to think… who on earth is he talking about. Having 3 boys going in all directions it was chaos on most days. But I have to say that I wouldn’t trade a thing. I can vividly remember judgemental moms and thinking… if you only walked in my shoes for a day…
I think that the way I was able to get through it was to have a girlfriend and my sister to talk to. They were the one place where I could share everything I had and they never judged me, judged my husband (if that was who I was upset with at the moment) and never judged the boys. I hope that you can someone that you can talk with freely to share your feelings. It makes things feel more calm… at least for me.
I am sure you are a great mom and you just need to try ignoring those who judge… I know… easier said than done!
Oh my gosh - this made me tear up. You must be such a proud mama to raise boys that can say that about you. That’s my hope that someday my kids can see how hard I tried.
Hi…just wanted to tell you that you sound like a perfectly loving & NORMAL Mom to me! Mothers are suppose to worry about their kids. In this day & age, you have to worry because there are too many bad things around, but I’m not going to dwell on them. Instead, I will say that you need to concentrate on the positives - what a beautiful family you have! My children are grown & have families of their own. I love the days when I’m taking one of my grandchildren somewhere or just watching them while their parents take the other one somewhere. Or when we overload the canoe & take great-grandma (age 90) out for a ride & everyone else demands to go too! Those little ones are going to grow up way too fast so don’t sweat the small stuff & worry about ‘would have, could have, might haves’ instead enjoy the here & now & definitely stop & smell the roses with them! Life is too short not to! Lots of love to you & your family from a very satisfied grandma!!!
You nailed it! I think from time to time we all experience days, weeks, and sometimes months of feeling as thought those days appears to be more than we can handle. Be it, kids, school, husbands, work, bills, and tge list goes on and on. Sometimes I just tell my family, I am tired and stress, and must have a few hours to do nothing. No thinking, no talking, no cooking, no cleaning, NOTHING! Thank you so much for sharing, and fr this topic. Enjoy your weekend.
Elaine says
So I have a few stories for you. Only because I know from Insta what happened and I want to reassure you that we ALL make mistakes. We are ALL overwhelmed. This is hard.
A few years ago I wanted to print something off in the business office of my Mom’s apartment building. I couldn’t fit the stroller, so I left my 2 year old with my 11 year old in the lobby. The business office was right off the lobby, and they were within earshot. I needed maybe 3 minutes. The 11 year old thought it would be nice to get her brother a hot chocolate from the machine (one of thise with the scalding hot water). When I heard his scream I knew exactly what had happened. It took an extra minute to get him all unbuckled and remove his pants, so as to get the burn under the cool tap water, and by the tune I did the skin on his chubby little thigh was coming off in sheets. He was in so much pain that I called an ambulance, and they had to give him a serious painkiller. At the hospital he was given a sedative and the wound was debrided. He wasn’t able to swim with his siblings for over a month, and multiple follow up visits were required to the wound clinic.
I don’t tell people this. I cried to my pediatrician, and she told me that her mother. A mother of five, ignored a serious infection in her kiddo’s knee makingbit worse. She hugged me and told me we all make mistakes. MY Mom ran over my little sister’s foot!
People can be so cruel. I have had a man yell at me from his car as I walked along the sidewalk because my baby daughter had removed her socks. He called me an idiot and asked me if my feet were warm. That memory stings to this day and it was 12 years ago.
I also have very severe anxiety. It sounds like it is a little different from yours, but I can relate and I am here if you need to talk.
You are doing great. You will recover from this. Chin up.
Nadine says
Hi my dear…I’m older and have lived through a lot. First, I might suggest an anti depressant. Not a heavy duty one, just one to take the edge off. I had to when I was your age. It so helped. The people who are nasty don’t even remember what they said. Yet you carry it. Don’t let them have that much control. I heard a profound statement “if you can’t forgive someone then pray for them”. Wow. It takes the wind out of my anger and puts me in a better place. Deal with one day at a time. Anymore and you become overloaded. If you want to talk you have my email. Your not going crazy!!!! You are tho overtired and stressed.