Hey guys. I feel like it’s been forever since I jumped on with a personal blog post. But, I just find myself really falling apart at the seams lately. I know a lot of moms who use the term “Hot Mess Express” and this couldn’t ring truer for me. I mean, this term should of been coined for me.
I don’t know how other mamas do it with four kids. I feel like some days I’m winning, but most days I’m just trying to get by.
I’m the mom who shows up to appointments either right on the dot, or a minute or two late. Always sweating and out of breath because lugging around 4 kiddos is more exercise than going to the gym. I always have breast stains on my shirts because I never remember to wear my breast pads. My kids seem to always.be.hungry and my hair normally is in a mom bun because, who has time to brush their hair? I feel like I’m always making excuses for my kids. Oh, she’s overtired, he is hungry, he is introverted… and the list goes on. I’m terrified of someone judging me when all I really want is someone to give me a pat on the back and tell me I’m doing an okay job because raising FOUR kids is a DANG HARD JOB.
A few weeks back I had a pretty horrible thing happen and once I’m over the anger, I’ll probably blog about it. But for now, lets just call it “the thing that increased my anxiety by 1000% percent”. Anyways, this situation has given me such intense anxiety. So intense that I’m afraid to let my kids outside. I’m constantly checking the locks on the doors and making sure I know where my kids are at at all times. Mainly my three year old. Then there’s the part where I lay in bed at night and imagine her drowning in our pool, or getting hit by a car and the list goes on. I know. You might think I’m going crazy and that these are horrible thoughts. But that is what anxiety does to you. Sometimes it eats you up. I miss the old Jess that was relaxed. I mean, I guess I’ve never been super relaxed. But I at least let my kids have a bit of freedom. Now I’m constantly afraid of what people might think of me. What will happen to my kids and would could happen. I hate this and I hate that I’m experiencing this. I wish I could go back in time and not do what I did to get me into this mess. I’ve had literally hundreds of moms message me and tell me that what I did wasn’t wrong. And maybe that’s true. But living with this anxiety isn’t fun and I wish I could go back in time, to that friday and not do what I did.
On top of already dealing with a lot ( Hello, three kids and a colicky baby ), I’m now dealing with my anxiety.
Not quite sure why I felt the need to jump on tonight and blog about this. Because honestly, this isn’t adding any value into your day. I just wanted to put this out there because if you can relate, I’m here to talk. I know the anxiety wont always be this bad and my three year old wont always get into everything and be able to escape in the split of a second. But right now that’s how it is. It’s my life and I feel like I’m constantly stressed out and wondering what could go wrong. I feel like so many people are so judgemental and not understanding and that experience a few fridays ago really highlighted that.
I just miss being carefree. I miss the village that we’re supposed to have. I miss living in a time where your kids could be kids and they could explore and have freedom. We’re now living in the age of fear. Us moms are terrified to be moms because everything from A to Z is wrong. When one mom thinks breastfeeding is the only way to go, there is another person who thinks it’s disgusting and wrong. Basically we can’t do anything right these days.
Okay, so I’m now getting too deep into it now. But can you catch my drift?
So tonight if you’re feeling this way, like motherhood has kicked your butt, like you’re beyond stressed out and exhausted, know that I’ve got your back and I feel the exact same way as you.
We can do this thing. Together.